The obvious solution, then, is to buy her a computer. Also, I would need to buy her an internet connection too. Which is expensive. I’d also have to teach her how to use the internet and open ecards. This is easy, but overall, I think it’s better to simply buy her a traditional card.

Perhaps next year, when I’m a rich man – tra-la-la-la-la – I’ll return home with a computer, an internet connection and bundle load of ecards for her.

Until then it’s simply a case of going into a card shop and buying a card of the paper (in fact card) variety.

Central heating I imagine was just a very gradual development of different heating methods. But however it worked – it’s fantastic. When the heating comes on on a cold winter evening, you realize how much better you feel. I don’t know how famous writers used to sit crouched over their desks in the freezing cold. How can your brain work when it’s really cold? That’s genius.

The other big favourite for me is the contact lens. Well, two lenses really. You need two, or everything looks very strange. Great invention though, allowing you to see stuff in perfect detail.

Those other things that product designers have come up with – sports cars, fancy lemon squeezers – you can have them. I want central heating and 20 20 vision. That’s what the 20^th Century has given us – and I’m grateful.

I think this sounds feasible. There’s that thing, isn’t there, where as soon as you ask a question, the answer becomes immediately apparent. It’s weird. I know, personally, whenever I have a question and say it out loud, the answer comes to me. That is true of this situation too – the boiler service situation.

You should make sure that your boiler gets a servicing every year – at least. When I checked my boiler recently (when, in fact, it had broken), the little BG sticker on it said it hadn’t been serviced for EXACTLY  2 years. To the day. This is a true story. Do you like it?

In simple terms you can get married pretty much anywhere. Once you’ve absorbed this, you realise what a mammoth job it is to choose somewhere. You could choose your local pub, or you could choose your local church. But equally, you could choose the roof of a skyscraper too.

If you don’t have a head for heights, you could always choose a disused mine shaft, although this may detract from any romantic atmosphere you’re trying to create.

If you’re really stuck for a wedding venue, you might wish to go to a special company that specialises in special wedding venues. There are a few of these kicking about and you might wish to consider one or two of them.

That is, until your driver drives on the wrong side of the road because he is Spanish and doesn’t agree that people should drive on that side of the road. Nobody else in Europe does, so why should Scottish people?

So anyway, this Spaniard did crash at one point. But he actually crashed on the RIGHT side of the road – that is, the LEFT side of the road. He drove into the side of a van, which caused quite a bit of damage to the car – and the van.

Overall, it was still an amazing holiday and one that was only really possible with car hire. Considering what we got out of our Scottish road trip, it was definitely worth it.

He was a smooth faced Canadian who was in his late twenties but looked like he had just been born. The sun baked hill billies that worked full time on my particular plantation didn’t like his face much – because it represented a scary unknown world where people were actually civilised and had the odd air conditioner lying around to keep their faces wrinkle free.

It is true to say that when you lack an air conditioner and spend all your time in the sun, you get a wrinkly face. If you don’t want one of those, you should consider not getting a job in a banana plantation and investing in an air conditioner.

This blog goes out to everyone there and here’s hoping the emergency services can rescue as many people as they can. Apparently they received 15 hours of rainfall, which resulted in a great deal of cars being washed down the roads and into the harbour.

A weird little place, there are just loads of pensioners on holiday there – one of the reasons, perhaps, why so many have died there; difficulty in avoiding the cascading waters. Airport is basically a concrete platform perched on the side of a cliff, supported by stilts. A scary place to land even when there isn’t torrential rain.

A little book with all the pictures of last week would help me remember events and conversations that I would otherwise have no chance of recalling. I was thinking that I could have a photobook for each month – that seems like a lot, but it’s only 12 per year.

When it comes to sitting round that coal fire that you’re never going to have, with your offspring’s offspring, telling stories about what you did when you were a young ‘un – you’ll have a huge stack of photobooks with which to demonstrate how much fun you’ve had.

On the plus side it will be very hard for his fellow people to ridicule his name. If you don’t have a name it is quite difficult to think up any nick names, and your little spawn would receive their name from any physical improprieties – such as being tall.

No one is quite sure what would happen if you did not give your baby a name. Would the State give it a name? Is there any precedent for this? Anyway, the important thing is to give your child a name, as it saves a great deal of confusion later on.

Of course, rabbits don’t have the same level of dexterity as squirrels, but they can certainly run pretty fast when they need to. I would personally say that a rabbit would have a squirrel on a flat bit of grass. But when it comes to trees, I’m afraid the rabbits are not going to fare well. Even at top speed, a rabbit would only make it a few foot up the trunk before falling down into the dewy clover beneath.

In terms of having a sense of humour, the squirrels come out on top too. Presumably, they don’t really have a sense of humour, and are just perky look rats with bushy tails. They share this same characteristics with penguins – which are equally hilarious. Aren’t they?