It is true to say that when you lack an air conditioner and spend all your time in the sun, you get a wrinkly face. If you don’t want one of those, you should consider not getting a job in a banana plantation and investing in an air conditioner.

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Poor Old Madiera

Madeira’s a funny little place. I went here once on a cheap flight from London. It’s like a few mountains poking out of the Atlantic with hundreds of houses clinging to the sides. Unfortunately, the little island suffered from a fair bit of rain recently, and washed a fair bit of the island’s infrastructure into the sea.

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When it comes to sitting round that coal fire that you’re never going to have, with your offspring’s offspring, telling stories about what you did when you were a young ‘un – you’ll have a huge stack of photobooks with which to demonstrate how much fun you’ve had.

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No one is quite sure what would happen if you did not give your baby a name. Would the State give it a name? Is there any precedent for this? Anyway, the important thing is to give your child a name, as it saves a great deal of confusion later on.

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In terms of having a sense of humour, the squirrels come out on top too. Presumably, they don’t really have a sense of humour, and are just perky look rats with bushy tails. They share this same characteristics with penguins – which are equally hilarious. Aren’t they?

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To be honest, when we were in that room listening to heavy metal come through the ceiling (we couldn’t even watch TV) we thought we would have had a better night if we went and slept on our sofa in the storage Ipswich place.

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Ultimately though, my time in that hospital kitchen was very rewarding and a lot of fun. I got to meet some great characters whilst there – many of whom I’m still in contact with. They taught me how to cook chips straight from frozen – and not to mention how to scrub lasagne off a tin.

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I only came across them when my best mate Alfred was showing me his holiday snaps from Magaluf. These pics were pretty good – but they were made all the more interesting by the fact that Alfred had got all his images printed a photobook! It was great – it really added a certain professionalism to his photography.

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I was catering for the Lego man who was on a wagon containing stuff to be sold at market. I think I Iost his hat somewhere in that self catering cottage. I was gutted. Those little hats are not very common in boxes of Lego.

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I want a place like the one in that film Sexy Beast. There’s a great scene with the Mediterranean Sea in the background. I’d like that but without the scary character in that film. Because having that guy in your house is just another reason to get holiday home insurance!

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